A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Reasons for a Divorce
How to HUG & Kiss
How to HUG
Hugs are an important expression of affection. By hugging someone, you remind them that you care about them and support them.
Depending on the person's relationship to you, you might want to approach differently:
Family Hug: You can keep talking when hugging; it will not ruin the momentum. Where you place your hands is not important; the hugged won't think it over too much. Press gently; it is not necessary to have head-contact. Stroke your hands quickly across the top of the hugged's back. Smile when letting go.
Graffitti 18+
| · Sex is Evil, Evil is sin, Sins are Forgiven, So Sex is In! | · Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft. |
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| · An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card | · Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them! |
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| · If necessity is the mother of invention, then… Frustration is the father of masturbation! | · Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger ! |
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| · I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed. | · Just remember: No matter how hot & sexy a babe is, someone somewhere is tired of fuckin her! |
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| · The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. | · Life without Friends is like Boobs without Nipples... POINTLESS ! |
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| · Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face. | · The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell dthe other: UNITED we are saved, Divided we are Fucked. |
| · Old Proverb: A smile is a curve that makes everything straight. | · Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes. |
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| · In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage! | · The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love. |
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| · When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the *** of reason goes unwiped. | · My wife and I finally became sexually compatible... We achieve simultaneous headaches. |
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| · Are you free tonight, or will it cost me? | · Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand! |
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| · Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it. | · Fuck a girl & she'll love you... Love a girl & she'll fuck you! |
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| · A hooker once told me she had a headache. | · Most men have split personalities; They hate cats but love pussies. |
| · Men give love to get sex, Women give sex to get love. | · Most men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born. |
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| · A pussy is like a potato chip: You can't eat just one. | · Did God make you an asshole, or did you evolve? |
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| · A hooker once told me she had a headache. | · Men play the game. Women know the score. |
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| · Too much sex is not good for one but rather nice for two! | · A girl can be poor in history but great on dates! |
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| · Women like to spoon in bed, whereas men just like to fork. | · Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand! |
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| · Are you free tonight, or will it cost me? | · My wife and I finally became sexually compatible...We achieve simultaneous headaches. |
| · When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped. | · Nature invented sex as a reward for letting go of childhood. |
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| · The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love. | · Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft. |
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| · Money is just like arse... Everybody has it, but nobody wants to give it ! | · Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself. |
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| · Height of conceit : Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. | · My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking. |
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| · 9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men. | · Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time |
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| · Money is jst like arse... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it ! | · Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it. |
| · Educatuon is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work. | · Work is like a gangbang, ten people are behind ur ass 2 take ur place. |
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| · Fate is like getting raped, if u can't fight it learn to njoy it. | · Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it. |
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| · Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough | · I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed |
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| · Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? | · I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight |
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| · You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me | · All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy. |
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| · Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction | · Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them! |
| · Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring | · Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself. |
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| · An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card | · Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face |
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| · The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's got you by the balls. | · I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that |
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| · Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard | · You know it's always business doing pleasure with you |
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| · I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush | · The only loss that causes sense of achievement is Virginity. |
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| · A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it | · I guess you could call me a polygamist.Sometimes I switch hands. |
| · Without nipples, breasts would be pointless. | · Make love not war because Condoms are cheaper than Guns! |
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| · Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless. | · Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops. |
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| · Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus. | · Definition of will power: Looking into the eyes of a topless waitress! |
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| · It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl | · One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache. |
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| · I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover. | · There is a tax on sex... it's called 'children'. |
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| · Happiness is like penis; always looks small if you hold it in your hands but when you learn to share it, you'll realize how big & precious it is! | · Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise. |
| · girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receives love. Who opens her legs receives HAPPENIS. | · Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does! |
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| · Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack. | · New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women. |
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| · Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks. | · Go on. Add some variety to your sex life...Use the other hand! |
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| · I'm so horny, I get aroused when I squeeze into a tight parking place. | · College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come. |
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| · Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing. | · Text msgs are like a blow job from an amateur prostitute......short sweet and cheap! |
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| · I think I've reached my sexpiration date. | · Men are like bagpipes... you won`t get anywhere unless you blow them first! |
| · My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier. | · I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes. |
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| · Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise. | · Do a mouse a favour... Eat a Pussy! |
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| · When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play with boys! | · Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you. |
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| · If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant. | · Text messaging is like a blowjob off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap! |
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| · When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play with boys! | · If you are being raped and you cannot defend yourself... keep still and enjoy it! |
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| · Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it! | · Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others. |
Some TIPS for arranged marriage _ Pls take it as fun nothing Serious
Arranged marriage
There are times in a person's life when he needs to take crucial decisions on his own. Marriage is one of them. Believe me, the decision on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in his life. After marriage, your wife is the most important person in your life. She can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very frightening.
Some of the questions that crop up are –
· What sort of a girl do I marry?
· Will she adjust in my family?
· How can I decide on a girl by just meeting her for a few times?
· When should I get married?
· This is my life. So, I should choose the girl I marry, but then what if I make a mistake?
…. so on and so forth…
I will try to address these & many more questions in the following sections.
The Nine Rules of Arranged marriage
· Rule 1 – Magic no. 28
In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at the age of 18. By the time she graduates, goes for her post graduation and/ or works for 1-2 years, she will be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5 years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she would meet many smart guys at college or during her first few years on job. So, in all probability it would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24 yrs. Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of pressure on the girl's to get married by the time they become 24-25.
Statistics says that there is a generation gap after every 5 years. So, in such scenario, one would prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4 years younger to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a guy to get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage, the better it is.
Well, as we all know, in the current market scenario, there will never be stability in our career. So, I believe there is no such thing as, "I will marry when I settle down".
· Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls
At times you hear statements like, "I am not getting the right match, I will look after 3 months, I will find a better match then". Well the truth is otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a match is fixed. From this subset, there would be girls who would get married & there would be new girls added who would be looking for a match. The net result is that at any given time, the variety & number of marriage-able girls are fixed.
· Rule 3 – Competition for girls
Like all other facets of life, there is lot of competition for good girls. In my own case, I was rejected by girls. So, if you are looking for a girl who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just think again. There are other guys who are also looking for similar girls & probably they are better off than you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given a choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai, but then for all Ashs in the world, there are many Salman Khans who also want to marry them. So, set your expectations accordingly.
· Rule 4 -- Understanding girls
You would have met a lot of people during your life. As we all know, its difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. I am sure you would agree with me that in case of girls it is even more difficult to understand them in a few meetings. I am still trying to understand my wife… ;-).. Understanding your spouse is a life long assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on a few meeting? This is where you need to take the help of your parents/ friends & latest technologies like email/ chat to choose your girl.
· Rule 5 – Society expectation
The selection process is tough on every one who is involved in the process. In arranged marriage, involvement of family & society is pretty high. You can't meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It is bad for her future. So, you should have a good short-listing criterion. Meet only a few girls & be sure what you are looking for. It is for the benefit of everyone involved.
· Rule 6 -- Marriage between equals
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you also marry into the girl's family. In arranged marriages, family support plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where the compatibility of social status, family values & caste/ religion plays a major role. Its important to note that in case there is a perfect match between the two families, the marriage is destined to succeed.
· Rule 6 – Know yourself
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you first marry a person & then fall in love. So, it's very important that you do a self-assessment on the kind of person you would love. They say, "Opposite attract", while they also say, "Bird of same feather flock together". So, you take a call on what sort of person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down the kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say, she should ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style of Monica, the voice of Sheena, the patience of Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect girl, but then you would have a good idea of what you are looking for.. The secret here is to set some minimum criteria for selection. Don't forget rule no.3 here.
· Rule 7 -- Girl's Beauty
A girl's looks attract, but then no one wants to end up marrying a dumb blonde. It is like buying your bike. When you initially buy it, you are crazy about the looks, but later on you love it for its reliability, fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly, a girl's looks are important, but then it should not be the most important criteria. Later on it life, you will get bored of her looks. It is then that her personality & behavior will make all the difference to your marriage. I am sure your parents will be able to advice you a lot better on this topic.
· Rule 8 -- Taking advice
As I have mentioned in the next rule, it's very important that the final decision on whom to marry must necessarily be yours. However, don't do the mistake of isolating yourself from the world while planning your marriage. Discuss with your parents & very close friends on this issue. They are your well wishers. Secondly, in such important matters its necessary that you analyze all possibilities. Remember, I am not suggesting that you follow others' advice, but don't forget to take their advice.
· Rule 9 -- Own decision
All said & done, it's your marriage & your life that is at stake. Once you are married, you & your wife are the only persons who will be facing the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things don't work out & you end up saying, "It's because of my friends or my parents that I married you", then your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl is of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for whatever happens. That's when the marriage works out perfectly. So, ensure that you marriage the girl of your choice.
How to approach the selection process?
From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process takes a minimum of 3 months. The whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:
· Definition phase -- Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking for in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans. Remember the Rule 3 here.
· Lead Generation phase -- Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends, family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember the Rule 2 here.
· Short listing phase – Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting biodatas. The general process followed for correspondence is as follows:
· The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/ herself
· Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope
· The initiator then sends the requested information along with a request for similar information
· The receiver send similar information
· If the biodata is selected, it is passed over to the next phase
· Casual interaction phase – Based on shortlisting, about 7 to 10 biodatas are taken forwarded to this phase. The next step to follow here is to exchange email/ chat ids. The guy & the girl then interact for 10 – 15 days to try & judge mutual compatibility through email/ chat.
· Family interaction phase – Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are taken for consideration in this phase. During this phase, the parents get involved & check the background information about the families to find mutual compatibility.
· The dating phase – Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken forward to this phase. During this phase, the guy & the girl interact by going out alone for 2-3 times. The guy needs to prepare a set of simple questions like who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? He needs to use his judgment to analyze the girl based on her responses.
· The D-day phase – Finally, the D-day comes when the guy has to select the girl he wants to spend his life with. If the process if followed systematically, there will be no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life partner..
Finally, my dear friends, marriage is all about compromises. In spite of all the planning that you do, there are a lot of uncertainties in a marriage. In fact this is the best part about marriage. Just remember that the person you marry must be of your choice. In such case, there would be no going back for both of you.
A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in the age-old virtue,
"Never do anything to others that you don't like for yourse
still women loves man
Men are like laxatives they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man
Men are like parking spots the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man
A man is like a snowstorm you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature Still Women likes man
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man
Why are men like tile floors? If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. Still Women likes man
AND FINALLY Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man